Who says gardeners haven’t got a sense of humour? I thought it about time to find the best gardening jokes around. So I have spent the best part of a day on the Internet to collect the best jokes that are being circulated in the world of horticulture. I have only told the clean ones (this is a family paper after all), so I'm afraid the choice is a little limited. I did like the joke about a woman’s tomatoes that wouldn’t ripen, but after a lot of thought we decided it was too fruity to print! (It doesn’t get any better I’m afraid).
One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.
One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.
The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.
Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”
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A tough looking man came to our garden gate the other day, and when he thought nobody was looking, he took it. Well I thought it best not to say anything else he might take a fence.
What’s brown and sticky…A stick.
A man went into his local shop and asked the assistant “Do you sell potato clocks”?
“Potato clocks sir? I’m not sure what you mean,” replied the assistant.
“Well” came the explanation “I’m always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock.
What do you call a country where people drive only pink cars…a pink carnation.
A burglar was sent to prison for robbing a stately home, but he refused to tell the guards where he’d hidden the loot. A few months later, his wife wrote to him and said, “Now that you’re in jail, there's no one to dig the back garden. I suppose I’ll have to do it myself.”
So the robber wrote back saying, “ Don’t you dare dig up the back garden, that’s where I buried the stuff from the stately home!” And he handed the letter to a warden to post. A week later he got another letter from his wife. It said, “You’ll never believe it- yesterday thirty guards came around and dug up the entire back garden!” And the robber wrote back." Now plant the potatoes!”
What’s brown and runs around the garden? …A fence.
Do you want to hear a gruesome story?
A gardener planted a seed. She watered it and cared for it very well, and soon it grew some and grew some…
What are you doing with that manure? I’m going to put it on my rhubarb. That’s a change .We have custard on ours!
And to finish off this attempt at garden humour, remember:
Old gardeners never die, they just spade away.
What’s brown and sticky…A stick.
A man went into his local shop and asked the assistant “Do you sell potato clocks”?
“Potato clocks sir? I’m not sure what you mean,” replied the assistant.
“Well” came the explanation “I’m always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock.
What do you call a country where people drive only pink cars…a pink carnation.
A burglar was sent to prison for robbing a stately home, but he refused to tell the guards where he’d hidden the loot. A few months later, his wife wrote to him and said, “Now that you’re in jail, there's no one to dig the back garden. I suppose I’ll have to do it myself.”
So the robber wrote back saying, “ Don’t you dare dig up the back garden, that’s where I buried the stuff from the stately home!” And he handed the letter to a warden to post. A week later he got another letter from his wife. It said, “You’ll never believe it- yesterday thirty guards came around and dug up the entire back garden!” And the robber wrote back." Now plant the potatoes!”
What’s brown and runs around the garden? …A fence.
Do you want to hear a gruesome story?
A gardener planted a seed. She watered it and cared for it very well, and soon it grew some and grew some…
What are you doing with that manure? I’m going to put it on my rhubarb. That’s a change .We have custard on ours!
And to finish off this attempt at garden humour, remember:
Old gardeners never die, they just spade away.
Send in your joke if you think you can do any better (and goodness knows it wouldn’t be hard)
Horticulture.
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